Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
