nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
