If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
