peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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