It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
