she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
