operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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