Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
