ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
