I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
