So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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