I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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