mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
