He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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