dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
