I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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