I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Are we still banned from the library?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
