Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
