Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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