My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
