oh god the rape fog is back!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
