i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
