That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
