Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
