I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
