God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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