please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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