When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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