I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
