WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
