someone threw a dead crab at me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just gift wrapped bread.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
