Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i think im in europe. pls send help
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
