well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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