So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
