I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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