Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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