she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
