I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
