mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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