i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
