Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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