I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
