Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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