I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
