When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
