I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
