get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
