Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
