That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
