you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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