I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
