im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
