We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
